"Heart of Worship"

... song lyrics ...

Heart Of Worship
(Australia Hillsongs)

when the music fades
all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring
something that's of worth
that will bless Your heart

i bring You more than a song
for a song in itself
is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing i've made it
when it's all about You
it's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
no one could express
how much You deserve
though i'm weak and poor
all i have is Yours
every single breath

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing i've made it
when it's all about You
it's all about You, Jesus


(one of the songs during our baccalaureate mass, morning of the college graduation day - March 2002)

To My Mom

Happy Birthday Nay! :)
I do thank God that YOU ARE my most beloved Nanay...

A Blessed Christmas!

to you...

...and "Happy Birthday!!!" to Jesus! :)

Days of Rest

There are a few days balance on my allowable leave from work and even if I wanted to "carry them over" next year so I could spend them in Bacolod, I didn't have a choice but to take them this December and stay here. Anyway, it feels good to just laze for a few days. :)

On my first day on leave, 15th of December, I went back to office for a few hours to "dig" some old invoices "buried" under a pile of other documents and left them with my colleague (she didn't have a choice, unfortunately). Then, my sister, brother and I went to pick-up my sister's car from a vehicle workshop after its regular maintenance service... went to Friday's (first time I dined in that branch! hehehe) and spent the whole afternoon in a bookshop. (Hmmm... there's a danger if you leave me in a bookshop. Before I go there, my wallet should be empty of both cash and credit card... otherwise, I won't leave without buying! hehehe...) So, I bought Manual of the Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho. In the evening, we went to attend the first [Simbang Gabi] at St. Mary's Church.

... Manual of the Warrior of Light ...

16th of December, I went to the Phil. Embassy to inquire about a few things and in the evening, went to join my colleagues for a [Dhow Cruise]. Yeah, I missed [Simbang Gabi].

17th, 18th, those days slipped away... but I didn't miss the mass in the evening.

19th, I went to the Safa Library and spent the whole afternoon browsing through a Teach-Yourself Hindi and Teach-Yourself Arabic. Later, I realized I shouldn't do that again. The very few words I remember are now mixed up in my head! (hehehe) ...Anyway, before I left that wonderfully maintained place, I borrowed three heavy books related to accounting. Until now, I have "browsed" only one of them. I was not absent again for the evening mass.

20th of December is the 29th wedding anniversary of my parents. I do not know if I should greet my mom since my dad already passed away four years ago, so I didn't call her... (should I?). Mass in the evening, as usual.

Today is 21st of December... my LAST DAY at home to sit still and be alone... with God, of course! :)

Dhow Cruise

To celebrate Christmas, my colleagues organized a Dhow Cruise at Dubai creek... and even if I was on local leave, I joined them. After my colleagues picked me up at the bus stop where I met that cheerful lady, I just found myself at the side of the creek with my colleagues and their own families, having our photo shots taken in groups and mini-groups while waiting for the dhow to sail on water.

Hmmm... the scent of salty water and the smell of the sea vessel's running engine reminded me of those boat trips back home that my family used to take when traveling from one island to another.

The food was yummy and similar to the ones served during a Desert Safari. There was also a belly dancer. My colleagues joined her dancing... and even continued to dance even after she left the "stage". I clapped my hands much (and loudly) until my palms turned pink. I had a wonderful time watching them have fun until my laughter and smiles made my face muscles ache.

The dhow cruise lasted for about two hours... and my colleagues dropped me home (not at the bus stop, thanks to them and to God) around 11 pm.

Going on a Dhow Cruise is like living on this earth. The dhow moves and you're "stuck" with strangers as your co-passengers on a "sailing boat"... and these people will remain strangers even after the boat docks. But if you're with your family and friends, being "stuck" there while the boat is sailing on the water isn't a bad idea after all.
You also get the chance to clap your hands... and the chance to laugh and smile until your face muscles ache.

At the Bus Stop

While waiting for my colleagues to pick me up at the bus stop for the [Dhow Cruise], a Kabayan (from the same country where I came from) approached me and asked for bus "directions". I don't know much about bus routes for I don't take the public bus that often. Since I wanted to help, I did what I could... I called the toll-free number of Dubai Transport. At least, I tried to help and it worked.

We had a chat and I noticed that she was unusually bubbly and cheerful. She was so jolly that I never expected she was (and has been) carrying such heavy problems. She has four children back in our home country and she's separated from her husband. She recently left her job and will be flying back to her hometown... And even though she will be with her children (and parents) during Christmas and New Year, she'll be jobless and penniless.

Yet there she was, cracking jokes, giggling and laughing with me at the bus stop.
I didn't feel any pity for her. What I felt was intrigue and admiration.
Where did all her smiles come from?
Ah, perhaps a human soul can have a type of strength more resilient than what I have imagined.

Simbang Gabi

This evening, we went to St. Mary's Church to attend the first Simbang Gabi (Aguinaldo Mass or Misa de Gallo), a Catholic Advent tradition which is quite "popular" in my country. There was also the "Lighting of the BIG Christmas tree" ceremony in front of the Church and singing of Christmas carols by a choir. However, we didn't reach the Church compounds that early so we saw only the last number of the "program" (a dance performed by Indian girls which resembled the Pandanggo sa Ilaw dance in my country). The good thing was, we weren't late for the Holy Mass.

Simbang Gabi is a series of daily Eucharistic Celebrations nine days before Christmas. The mass was (and future masses will be) officiated by Rev. Fr. Zaki Parra, a Franciscan Capuchin Missionary. (NO, I don't think Capuchin is related to capuccino, the coffee...)

During the sermon, among other thought-provoking things, the priest explained the reason of the number "9"... of Simbang Gabi... or of the novena devotions, in general. He said it was taken from the number of days when the apostles had to wait in a room after Jesus Christ ascended to heaven. After nine days, the Holy Spirit came upon each of them and they spoke in tongues. Thus, the "9" days.

It is a common "belief" that if the Simbang Gabi masses are "completed" (meaning you attended all 9 Holy Masses), a prayer intention will be granted... (of course, provided you do your own share to materialize your prayer intention!)

I'm not sure how true that "belief" is. Honestly, I haven't "completed" Simbang Gabi in the past years. I don't really believe in the "completion" of Simbang Gabi, but I'm not making my "unbelief" (of that kind of miracle) an excuse to miss one Simbang Gabi Holy Mass. Unfortunately, I have other excuses!! (shame...shame on me!)

Insufficient Pity

The damage caused by the floods in the northern part of the Philippines has awakened the slumbering hearts of Filipinos... and mankind. It is just so moving to see how everybody answered the call of the victims. Even non-Filipinos are doing something.

Hopefully, something could be done about the cause of the tragedy, and not just about its effect.
And hopefully, help will reach the intended recipients on time.

Thank God help has come.
Pity was not enough, so mankind finally resorted to action.

Anthill

Waking up earlier than my morning alarm gives me a chance to witness a sunrise... and since my bedroom window is facing east, I have a perfect view of the sun emerging from the horizon!

Ahhh, nothing beats a glorious sunrise!!! The morning light radiating from the rising sun--especially if there are streaks of light bursting through a few clouds--would make anyone feel so grateful that he/she has eyes that can see!

Like what I do in the evening, I stop by my bedroom window for a while and notice that my [carpet of stars] has turned into an anthill. At these construction sites, work ends late and starts early . Half asleep, I can see excavators digging into the ground, shovels moving sand and gravel, cranes lifting bars and bars of steel, rollers and graders moving around the area, tipper trucks carrying construction materials, concrete mixers pouring out cement, and buses transporting masons, painters, chargehands, carpenters, and construction workers. Of course, the coarsely paved roads and the colour of desert sand in the area completes the whole picture of a busy anthill.

There are port-a-cabins neatly arrayed along the sides of the construction areas reminding me of how transient our stay on earth is. As I imagine that the architects and engineers stay only for some time in these portable offices, I am reminded that I, too, shall stay on this earth for only a short while.

Even though all the evening shimmer and sparkles have disappeared, I am glad to wake up into a view that reminds me I am alive. I have come to realize that besides the inner/personal (and quiet!) life that I've known in [my hermitage], in the office and in the libraries I visit, there exists a life out there... another kind of life, which is filled with action, energy, and hardwork.

... anthill ...

Carpet of Stars

Living in one of the flats of a 30-storey building (and I repeat... for free!), gives me the chance to perceive everything below as if I were a hundred feet tall.

When darkness has enveloped the entire space outside the building, only the lights shimmer in the darkness. Yellowish lights along the highways, white lights from tower cranes, villas and palace fences (yes, I have a far view of a few palaces of sheikhs and sheikhas), reddish lights from power generators at the construction sites, and bluish lights from the buildings under construction at a far distance. Add to that the multi-coloured lights from the other towers, the changing colours of traffic lights, and the lights of passing cars that one can see in hundreds at a glance. Especially when I'm not using my eyeglasses, all these lights in different hues don't look like they emanate from man-made lightbulbs. They look like stars that have fallen from the evening sky!

Sometimes, the real stars in the sky appear and sometimes they don't. Somehow, it doesn't matter that much.
I know they're still there, hiding behind the winter clouds.

At night, there's one thing I do that has become a habit... I always stop by my bedroom window even for a few seconds and take a deep breath. This is the wondrous view that renders me mute as I gaze outside and a carpet of stars spreads before my eyes.


... carpet of stars ...

Hermitage

A hermitage among the “trees” of steel, glass, and cement. This is where I live (free of charge!)… on the road named after the president who passed away more than a month ago.

Away from civilization, my daily ride to office has allowed me to witness along the highways the admirable efflorescence of red and yellow flowers, the sprinklers whose waters nourish the grass, and the planted greenery around the two towers of Emirates. And fortunately, my daily ride from office has allowed me to admire the magical sunset, the interesting formation of multi-coloured clouds, or the star-like lights of these "trees".

Since where I live is the nearest passenger's house to the office, I'm the first one to reach home. Somehow, the people at the Transport Department of the company where I work loves me enough to assign a separate car for me (and another lady colleague) so I won't have to take the company's mini-bus. (Actually, the real reason is that my house (and her's) is "out of the way"--not in the usual route. But then, I still want to believe that they "love" me... hehehe.)

As I take my early dinner or late afternoon snack and look out the window, I see an array of cars at snail pace... and it makes me feel grateful indeed for the "luxury" of reaching home 7 minutes after office hours. (It surprises me whenever I get a chance to experience how worse the traffic jams have become at all the other parts of Dubai!)

Did I mention that these "trees" have attracted the presence of little birds too? They fly from one "tree" to another... and in particular mornings when I need to wait for the company transportation to show up at 7:50 AM, their chirping (together with the stunning clouds and the winter breeze) makes me start my day in a positive note. :)

7 Pages

This year (2004), I'm the chairperson of the Publications Committee of a club I joined.
(Am I a person?... and where's the chair?? hehehe)

Ok... let me give you a clearer picture of what that position requires. Basically, you just need to--- gather all the articles from all the other officers of the club... the president's message from the president, the treasurer's report from the treasurer, the list of birthdays and list of new members from the membership committee, the articles from the officer-in-charge of the tennis tournaments, bowling tournaments, seminars, and all the other activities, and... the photos taken during the activities from anybody who brought a camera on that particular day. Then, if there's extra space, you search for appropriate articles, jokes, quotes, etc. that you can use as fillers. All you need to do is make sure that the newsletter covers most (if not all) of the activities of the club. Edit the articles a bit and correct the errors that you can see. Resize the photos and match them with the articles. Finally, just do the LAYOUT and get 75 copies. That's it. Simple, yeah? :)

This year, the club released two issues of the newsletter, despite the plans of releasing it quarterly. Maybe because I didn't search for advertisers to subsidize the cost of printing... or maybe I was lazy to do a quarterly issue... or maybe I wasn't motivated enough... or maybe... maybe... I don't know. Somehow I just managed to release two issues this year. Anyway, in the history of the club, the maximum number of newsletter issues per year is two. (hah! alibis!!)

The newsletter has 8 pages. I did the layout of 7 pages because the layout of one full page was provided by an advertiser. You won't believe it if I told you how much time it took me to do the layout! Almost a week!! Since I'm not familiar with any publishing software, I did the layout in MS Word! Imagine!!! Well, just to finalize the draft, I didn't sleep on Monday evening and went straight to office on Tuesday morning! (Ah, I did enjoy the entire experience coz it reminded me of my life as a student!) And... on Wednesday, I had to take an emergency leave (unauthorized absence) from the office for a whole day!

After I submitted the draft to the "proofreaders" last Wednesday evening, which is the deadline, they only had a couple of hours to make the obvious corrections on the draft (which means it was not edited properly). Worse, they told me that they wanted one article (the article written in Tagalog/Filipino language) to be translated into English! (I was shocked because the article--in font size 8--occupied an entire A4 page!) Finally, they decided there wasn't enough time... and they didn't have a choice but to publish the Tagalog version because the newsletter had to be distributed during the Christmas Party on Thursday (...quite early to celebrate Christmas, but Dec.2 is the National Day of the UAE and the best time for the members to meet since it's a holiday).

It was a good thing my angelic sister was there to help me in everything... and the supportive president with the helpful secretary of the club were there for me too. What a relief I felt when, at last, the copies of the 2nd issue were distributed to the members of the club this afternoon! :)

Obviously, that's how much I procrastinate!!! How ironic... after reading the motivational books of Walter Staples, Stephen Covey, Zig Ziglar, Napoleon Hill, Robert Schuller, Norman Vincent Peale, and Dale Carnegie, I still procrastinate!!! ...Who knows? Maybe I'm just delaying gratification (which is good, right?... delaying the gratification of getting a job done on time! haha... alibis again!!!)

On a more sober note, I do feel that I haven't done enough. I procrastinated a lot and when the deadline drew near, I realized that I only have 24 hours per day. Everything was done in a hurry and there were some errors on the copies given to the members. Anyway, God is generous and forgiving... and I'm still a work-in-progress. :)

A few hours before the final layout was finalized--at the time when the pressure was most intense--I was surprised to find myself getting irritated over little things... as if I was not myself! I usually like to listen to music, but that afternoon, the slightest sound of the music videos from the next bedroom irritated me. I don't hate hearing the phone ring, but during those few hours, a single ring made me want to scream.

Lessons I learned? You can tell me.
I can listen to a detailed sermon for the blunder I've done during the past week... and still manage to smile. :)

Circle 46

Today is the 9th Anniversary of my search-in circle... Circle 46!

~~~ Search-In CIRCLE 46 (USLS-IS) ~~~ ::: Anne Reyes ::: Arien Labrador ::: Chino Cosculluela ::: Christine Mendez ::: Clarence Cepeda ::: Eliza Eusebio ::: Gerard Arcenas ::: Irvin Dennis Aguirre ::: John Ledesma ::: John Dennis Rabang ::: Julius de la Cruz ::: Kathleen Nava ::: Leah Miranda ::: Leizl Soquina ::: Linn Benedict Doble ::: Mark Nowell Tanoja ::: Mary Grace Miranda ::: Neil Carmona ::: Neil de la Rosa ::: Neil Ibonia ::: Paolo Deles ::: Rene John Nunez ::: Rhyan Tagle ::: Rose A.G.L. ::: Toni Angelique Saraos ::: Tracy Vallota ::: ~~~ Search-In CIRCLE 46 (USLS-IS) ~~~

Circle Anniversary - November 19, 1995

Circle Song: Pray For Me (Michael W. Smith)

Here is where the road divides
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
But time is now the enemy
I wish we didn't have to say goodbye
But I know the road He chose for me
Is not the road He chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we're after

Chorus:
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me and I'll pray for you
And one day love will bring us back around again

Painted on our tapestry
We see the way it has to be
Weaving thru' the laughter and the tears
But love will be the tie that binds us
To the time we leave behind us
Memories will be our souvenirs
And I know that thru' it all
The hardest part of love is letting go
But there's a greater love that holds us

(Chorus)

... Circle 46 (Search-In Retreat, Nov.17-19,1995) ...

Winter Rain

It rained today.
I mean, this evening.
Well, rain is rain, but in this middle eastern country where rain is considered a miracle, it was a momentous occasion --something worthy of a blog post--- even for me who came from a country with tropical climate. (hmmm... just makes me miss home even more!)

I was trying to get some sleep when I noticed some light flickering across the bedroom once in a while, disturbing the utter darkness. (I don't call it "my" bedroom coz I'm not paying for it.)
I was thinking maybe some bright light from a tower crane at a construction site nearby was the culprit.
It came as a surprise to me when I realized that the flashes of light were actually caused by lightning!

Anyway, I've had a few minutes of rest so I got out of bed, looked out the window, and was just baffled to see how water falling from the sky could look so fascinating at night.

Seashells and a Sunset

It was just an ordinary Thursday afternoon at home. At half an hour before sunset, my sister called and invited me to join them (with her husband, my brother-in-law) to go to the beach to pick up a few seashells. Since I had a busy morning in the office and I had insufficient sleep the previous night, I made alibis to stay at home. I wanted to take a relaxing nap. My sister insisted, telling me I need to get some fresh air, that I haven't been to a beach for a long time, that I won't feel sleepy there, etc... Well, since it was more convenient for me to go than to argue with her, I finally conceded.

The seashells were so interesting... really interesting. Some of them were empty and some had these little alive creatures inside. Some were smooth and shiny, while some were rough and jagged. The seashells looked alike and yet they were so unique from each other. They looked the same and yet so different. Just like human beings. Or memories. :)

Ahh, it was really breathtaking... the sunset. I can confidently bet that all the colours visible to the human eyes flashed across the sky as the sun disappeared from the horizon. What a spectacular view! It made me feel so thankful to be alive! And it made me wish I could take a walk along the seashore more often and watch a sunset at every opportunity. If only... if only.

As I listened to the sound of the endless splashing of water against the shore and felt the touch of the clear water in my hands, the soft, powdery sand at my feet, and the cool breeze on my cheeks, I uttered a silent prayer thanking God for the blessings... the blessing of this moment and the blessing of His presence.

I shall put a frame around this memory and keep it in a place where I could pick it up again whenever I need to be reminded to always value this life and marvel at God's grandeur and love. :)

Song Offerings

Just finished reading the book I have recently added to my list of favorites:
GITANJALI (song offerings) by Rabindranath Tagore.
(it's also available on the net!) [http://www.schoolofwisdom.com/gitanjali.html]
Ah, this piece of reading material truly captivates my heart! (Just can't get enough of it!)
Here are some excerpts:

LET ME NOT FORGET
As my days pass in the crowded market of this world and my hands grow full with the daily profits,
let me ever feel that I have gained nothing---let me not forget for a moment,
let me carry the pangs of this sorrow in my dreams and in my wakeful hours.
...
When my rooms have been decked out and the flutes sound and the laughter there is loud,
let me ever feel that I have not invited thee to my house---let me not forget for a moment,
let me carry the pangs of this sorrow in my dreams and in my wakeful hours.

LOST TIME
On many an idle day have I grieved over lost time. But it is never lost, my lord.
Thou hast taken every moment of my life in thine own hands.
Hidden in the heart of things thou art nourishing seeds into sprouts,
buds into blossoms, and ripening flowers into fruitfulness.
I was tired and sleeping on my idle bed and imagined all work had ceased.
In the morning I woke up and found my garden full with wonders of flowers.

LAST CURTAIN
I know that the day will come when my sight of this earth shall be lost,
and life will take its leave in silence, drawing the last curtain over my eyes.
Yet stars will watch at night, and morning rise as before,
and hours heave like sea waves casting up pleasures and pains.
When I think of this end of my moments, the barrier of the moments breaks
and I see by the light of death thy world with its careless treasures.
Rare is its lowliest seat, rare is its meanest of lives.
Things that I longed for in vain and things that I got---let them pass.
Let me but truly possess the things that I ever spurned and overlooked.

Gitanjali has combined poetry and praying in a way I could never have imagined possible in the literary world... This work is indeed impressive!!!


... Gitanjali ...

Chiaroscuro

In painting, chiaroscuro is the use of strong contrasts between light and dark to create the illusion of three-dimensional form on a two-dimensional surface. In Italian, 'chiaro' means 'light' and 'scuro' means 'dark'. The painting or drawing of forms where depth and space are illustrated contrasting light and shade producing an effect of diffuse and luminosity.

I've always been mystified by this concept--
the concept of light and darkness, good and evil, black and white, heaven and hell, sunshine and shadow, sunrises and sunsets, tears and laughter, school enrolments and graduations, droughts and floods, fire and ice, deserts and rainforests, meeting and separation, birth and death, slumber and awakening. Yin-Yang. Contrasts. The list can go on and on.

Perhaps these contrasts are so essential that even the Holy Bible speaks about them in the [3rd chapter of Ecclesiastes]... A Time for Everything.

Well, perhaps I'm just consoling myself. Today is the fourth All Souls' Day since I have started thinking seriously about death. The fourth All Souls' Day when I solemnly remember that my dad already went ahead of the rest of the family.

Ah, we really do not know which day is our last day on earth.
Better for us to strive to be happy everyday. Better for us to live life in the best way we know how.

Life is too short... life is too short... life is too short...

The Background Music

Just in case you like the background music... I would like to take this opportunity to thank the owner of the website [Moore's Chapel] for the privilege of using this particular midi file. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :)

"HOW BEAUTIFUL"
by Twila Paris

How beautiful the hands that served
the wine and the bread
and the sons of the earth.
How beautiful the feet that walked
the long dusty roads
and the hills to the cross.

How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.

How beautiful the heart that bled
that took all my sin
and bore it instead.
How beautiful the tender eyes
that chose to forgive and never despise.

How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.

And as He laid down His life
we offer this sacrifice
that we will live just as he died:
willing to pay the price
willing to pay the price.

How beautiful the radiant Bride
who waits for her Groom
with His light in her eyes.
How beautiful when humble hearts give
the fruit of pure lives
so that others may live.

How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.

How beautiful the feet that bring
the sound of good news
and the love of the King.
How beautiful the hands that serve
the wine and the bread
and the sons of the earth.

How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.

Message from God

(copied from the online bulletin of a friend)

Nothing happens by CHANCE or COINCIDENCE.
Nothing without my permission.
I attend to all the details in your life,
everything that affects you,
from the smallest and most insignificant things to the biggest things.
I will mold you according to what is best for your growth and will bring you closer to me.

My child, in times you have to experience downfalls and failures,
it is during these moments when you will feel all my fatherly concern,
my strong and powerful hand lifting you up,
carrying you every step of the way,
most especially during your darkest hours when you feel so much pain and desolation.

BUT DO NOT BE AFRAID.

I am looking after you always.
Nothing happens without my permission.
Nothing without a purpose.
I only allow whatever will bring good to you in the end.

REMEMBER that I love you.
I care for you.
And I'll never forsake you.

Believe that I truly love you.
That I have a beautiful plan for your life.
That everything--every pain, every trial, every suffering,
as well as every joy and victory in your life,
I have allowed to happen to draw you closer to me.
All because I love you.
All because you have surrendered your life to me.
Know that for those who love me, those whom I called according to my plan,
everything that happens fit into a perfect pattern.

If I am with you, then who could be against you?

--- GOD ---

How?

How can I be so aloof to other people and yet be very friendly with you?
And how can you be distant to other people and yet so close to me?
How can I tell you things I couldn't even tell my friends?
And how can you share your secrets with me even though I don't deserve to know them?
How can I see in you something which nobody else can see when they look at you?
And how can you understand me more than I understand myself?
How can I be me when you're around when I don't even know who I really am?
And how can I say that you are you when you're with me when I don't even know who you are?

My Silence

Probably it is true what they say...

That some words are better left unsaid,
Because you can still understand me.

That actions speak louder than words,
Because you can still hear me in my silence.

That one of the most difficult things in life
is to have words in your heart that you cannot utter,
Because now, I feel miserable.

Unwell

Your presence in my life is a disease.
It's like I'm infected with an unknown strain of virus that cripples me
and affects every inch of the person I thought I was
and the kind of soul I thought I had.

I think I need stronger and more effective antibiotics.
Let me just get the right prescription and everything will be normal again.

Detour

I couldn't help missing the moments I spent with you,
staying up so late chatting about nothing and everything,
listening to our silence... and smiling.

I do miss you, but I do not know how to tell you without defying my oaths,
without complicating simple things, without changing you, and without changing me.
I wish I could turn into a ghost so I could pass through the solid walls I've built around myself,
sit beside you for a while to watch a sunset,
and come back through the same walls again when I need to, as if I never left.

Now, I couldn't believe I find it so difficult to say goodbye and forget you.
It's like I'm on a wonderful detour, lost inside a magnificent verdant park,
surrounded by the songs of birds, the dancing of the leaves of trees, the smiles of the flowers.
But then, that's just what it is--a detour.

Hopefully soon, I'll be on my own path again.
I'll leave you alone so you can live your own life and I can live mine.
But for now, since I'm quite happy the way things are, I'll admire the view, stay lost,
and gratefully endure the detour.

"Notes from a Dead House"

...a book by Fyodor Dostoyevsky which I borrowed from the Safa Public Library three weeks ago. Let me share with you some of the morsels of thought that I have noted down...

"How many thousands of days had I to pass like this, and all of them exactly alike!" (Very well said!!!)

"I began to dream of freedom from the first day of my imprisonment. My favorite occupation was counting the days that were left a thousand different times in a thousand different ways... Every convict feels that he is not at home, but merely a transient visitor." (Yet, perhaps the transient nature of life is what makes it more beautiful.)

"The anguish of the first year in prison made me irritable and bitter and I could not notice many of the things around me. I shut my eyes and refused to look. I could not see the good people capable of thinking and feeling in spite of the repulsive crust that covered them on the surface. I overlooked the kind and affectionate word among the jeers, the word which was all the dearer because spoken in sincerity and often springing from a heart that had borne and suffered more than mine." (Yeah, and I used to think that my "sufferings" were unbearable!)

"When I said goodbye, I was not too sorry because I was sure that my head was to stay on my shoulders and continue the journey with me." (Life goes on!)

and at the last chapter of the book...

"My memories of later years have faded somewhat, and I am sure that I have completely forgotten many things. I only remember that one year, which was so like the other, dragged on sluggishly and bleakly. I remember that the long days were as monotonous as water dripping from the roof. And I also remember that only my longing for resurrection gave me the strength to hope and wait. Finally, I found the strength of resignation: I waited counting the days and though a thousand of them remained, it was with real delight that I ticked them off and saw them buried in the past. And when the new day dawned, I rejoiced at the thought that now there were not a thousand left, but only nine hundred and ninety nine. I was alone, though I had hundreds of companions, and came to love my solitude at last. In my mental solitude, I reviewed every detail of my life, sternly judged my actions, and even blessed my fate at some moments for having sent me such solitude... I reflected, resolved, I swore to myself that the mistakes and lapses of the past would never again occur. I mapped out a course for the future and decided to follow it faithfully. A blind faith was born in me that I could and would fulfill it all. How I longed for freedom and cried for it to come quickly. I wanted to try my strength in a new struggle..."

Ah, I feel so grateful that I'm not in prison!

But then, how come these lines have moved me deeply?

Is it because through these written words, an intangible substance within was given its form? Just a thought.

Well, the good thing is...

Now, I find my circumstances more bearable because I know things could get worse.

Ah, there's a better way of putting it--my soul has been purged. Just a bit.

Dazzled

... The Forge ...
... the title of the first chapter of The Forge, a little book I was reading this morning while waiting for my sweet black tea to cool off and while munching the imported Bacolod pastries bought by my sister at a nearby grocery store. It's funny when I think of how I used to take these pastries for granted when I was back home!
Ah, I miss home... and my family.

I chatted with 3 friends who were former classmates in college.
One sent me .jpeg pictures of her group of close friends. They all looked smart, pretty and happy together... so young yet already successful in their career.
Another told me about her life, job and lovelife. She's working in Makati and she's still happy for the past several years with her boyfriend since college.
And my last chat, with one of my close friends in college, reminded me of Kasanag, an Opus Dei Center.
... and what a coincidence! ...Blessed Escriva, the author of The Forge--the little book I was reading this morning--is the founder of Opus Dei!!!

I remember the happy times when we used to go to a school to teach catechism to little kids. I miss those kids. And I miss those memories. And I miss my friends. And I miss college life.
My friend told me she'll be attending a mini-recollection, gospel-reading, reflection, and discussion about the topic of the day in Kasanag... I thirst to join those activities!
Ah, it's good that my tea is cool enough to drink now... I know it won't really quench my thirst. At least I won't burn my lips and throat as I take a consoling sip.

Hmmm... and now, I miss home and my family even more.

Silenced

After a flood of words gush out of my head, my heart, my soul, and typed through the keyboard, onto the pages of this blog, I am silenced.

Content to imagine that my shameful emotions, useless thoughts, and empty reflections
have been documented, and stored in this virtual warehouse,
where I wouldn't dare invite anybody to visit.

Tonight, after reading a book, and after my bedtime prayers,
I am hopeful that I will be able to sleep better and more peacefully.

Nostalgia

It's amazing how I remember everything sweet and wonderful when I feel like I want to cry buckets of tears.

Those moments in a peaceful, faraway town, when I spent my idle time in a quiet chapel
which smelled like a bouquet of flowers on top of a basket of fruits.
Feeling so serene... so quiet... I could even hear myself breathe.

The moment when I visited a monastery and the prayers chanted by monks
brought me to a place I've always wanted to visit but didn't know how
or when.

The moments when I sat among the serene trees
at the garden inside the school campus just in front of the retreat house,
where only the image of Our Lady accompanied me in silence,
while I reflected on my past and imagined my future.

The moments when I stood by the window on the third floor of the school library,
staring at the leaves of trees dancing gracefully with the tune of the soft, cool breeze
inviting me to listen to something so beautiful,
yet inaudible.

The moments when I knelt at the university chapel after choosing the least conspicuous place,
so nobody could disturb me as I listen to the chirping of the birds,
oblivious to all the cares of college life and of the world.

The moments when I stayed in the classroom or walked along the campus corridors during an ordinary tropical rain,
staring at the droplets of water washing the dust off the leaves of trees,
feeling so refreshed... so new!

The moments when I sat alone in the car, hidden from the indifferent eyes of friends and acquaintances,
crying buckets of tears.

Ah!...now I remember. I do know how to cry buckets of tears.

Empty

...and lost.

The ebb of everything has come.

The radio is in full volume yet the house remains so quiet.
Even a pint of triple chocolate ice cream couldn't fill the vacuum.

I miss everybody, but it seems nobody ever misses me.
Why do I have to be so far away?

Hopefully, the climate will improve very soon.
The temperature will be cooler,
the beautiful clouds will cheer me up,
and I shall learn how to appreciate this momentary emptiness.

Colourless

The colourful images of internet sites only emphasize the contrast
Between how vibrant life could be and how bleak my current life is.

Everything is in black and white. And grey.

Is there something wrong with my eyes?
With my heart?
Or with my soul?
Or maybe there's something wrong with everything.

And if it will take much time for my eyes to see different hues again,
I shall pray to God to send me customized, colourful eyeshades.

Nanay

An angel sent down from heaven...
Who loved her family selflessly, unconditionally and truly.
I shall be forever grateful for everything that the Almighty Father in heaven
Has bestowed upon me through her.

The wisdom and guidance,
The wonderful stories,
The hugs and kisses,
The life... and love.

For Tatay

This Day, Four Years Ago...

It was Friday.
At 3:00am, my dad had to go Home and the rest of my family had to stay.
"The light wasn't extinguished. The lamp was just put out because the Dawn has come."

If only I could say a few more words to him.
If only I could hug him a few more times.
If only I could look into his eyes and sincerely thank him.
"If only", "if only", "if only"... a thousand times.

March 1991